People keep asking me, ďKate, how is it that youíre single?† Youíre smart, reasonably attractive, fun to be withÖ why canít you get a man?Ē
Well.† The truth of the matter is that I can ďget a manĒ... but I donít want just any man.† Iím extremely picky.† Iím getting too old for playing silly games with people I know I donít want to stay with (and, yes, I know Iím not ďoldĒ but I AM too old for this).† Of course, when I explain this to the males that I know, they immediately ask what the qualifications for the job are.
And so, without further ado, I present to you:
1) THOU SHALT be over 23, no exceptions.† Between 25-35 is preferable, unless you meet every other qualification on my list.
2) THOU SHALT be a smoker, because I'm not going to be made to feel guilty every time I light a cigarette in my own house or car.† (After much thought, this one is semi-negotiable.† At some point, I do intend to quit, as I intend to have children, preferably without preventable birth defects.† However, in the meantime, I donít want to deal with someone pressuring me to stop, or making me feel bad for something they knew about me well in advance.)
3) THOU SHALT love cats.† And I don't mean just a passing interest in them.† I am a cat person.† I obsess over my cats.† I can handle dogs, but I don't especially like them... mainly because they're not cats.
4) THOU SHALT be interested in a relationship, with the whole *cower* commitment thing, including eventual marriage/children/all that other crap (stress on EVENTUAL).
5) THOU SHALT have self-confidence and a reasonably high intelligence.† I'm tired of babysitting whiney, pathetic, "pity me" types.† I'm not your mother.
6) THOU SHALT be the romantic type... flowers, candy, poems, sappy love songs, etc.† So-called "manly men" make me ill... if you want my attention, you're going to have to earn it by sweeping me off my feet.
7) THOU SHALT love life, respect all living things, and enjoy waking up and finding a new day every day. (This is the most important, and, probably, the MOST non-negotiable.)
In short, I want a male version of me, with enough differences on the less important things to keep life interesting.† If you think you qualify for the position, feel free to email me at email@example.com Ö the pay isnít so hot, but itís a fun job with tons of perks.
UPDATE: Thank you all for your interest in the position, however, it has been filled.† All of the applicants were excellent, but there was only one that not only met every qualification, but far exceeded each of them.† Your applications will not be kept on file, as I donít anticipate another opening at any point in this lifetime.† ;)