People keep asking me, “Kate, how is it
that you’re single? You’re smart, reasonably
attractive, fun to be with… why can’t you get a man?”
Well.
The truth of the matter is that I can “get a man”... but I don’t
want just any man. I’m extremely
picky. I’m getting too old for playing
silly games with people I know I don’t want to stay with (and, yes, I know I’m
not “old” but I AM too old for this).
Of course, when I explain this to the males that I know, they
immediately ask what the qualifications for the job are.
And so, without further ado, I present
to you:
1) THOU
SHALT be over 23, no exceptions.
Between 25-35 is preferable, unless you meet every other qualification
on my list.
2) THOU SHALT be a
smoker, because I'm not going to be made to feel guilty every time I light a
cigarette in my own house or car.
(After much thought, this one is semi-negotiable. At some point, I do intend to quit, as I
intend to have children, preferably without preventable birth defects. However, in the meantime, I don’t want to
deal with someone pressuring me to stop, or making me feel bad for something
they knew about me well in advance.)
3) THOU SHALT love
cats. And I don't mean just a passing
interest in them. I am a cat
person. I obsess over my cats. I can handle dogs, but I don't especially
like them... mainly because they're not cats.
4) THOU
SHALT be interested in a relationship, with the whole *cower* commitment thing,
including eventual marriage/children/all that other crap (stress on EVENTUAL).
5) THOU
SHALT have self-confidence and a reasonably high intelligence. I'm tired of babysitting whiney, pathetic,
"pity me" types. I'm not your
mother.
6) THOU
SHALT be the romantic type... flowers, candy, poems, sappy love songs,
etc. So-called "manly men"
make me ill... if you want my attention, you're going to have to earn it by
sweeping me off my feet.
7) THOU SHALT love life, respect all living things, and
enjoy waking up and finding a new day every day. (This is the most important,
and, probably, the MOST non-negotiable.)
In short, I want a male version of me, with
enough differences on the less important things to keep life interesting. If you think you qualify for the position,
feel free to email me at webmaster@lunameow.com
… the pay isn’t so hot, but it’s a fun job with tons of perks.
UPDATE: Thank you all for your interest in the
position, however, it has been filled.
All of the applicants were excellent, but there was only one that not
only met every qualification, but far exceeded each of them. Your applications will not be kept on file,
as I don’t anticipate another opening at any point in this lifetime. ;)